christmas is awesome

Well, well, well. Looks like Santa's got himself a stiffy.

No. That was wrong. I take that last comment back: We all have a major stiffy. Santa is simply the least comfortable with rocking it.

i'll be most impressed if he flushes and washes up afterwards

That restroom floor is so fucking dirty. I hope somebody got fired over this picture.

vast cawing-related powers

Sometimes I get really imaginative (read: drunk) and I just plug a random phrase into a Google image search. Today was the day for "crow man", pictured above. The world will never - ever - be the same.

gordon freeman vs. suburban boredom

Half-Life 2 Episode 3: West Virginia.

desperate measures

"Dammit, Franky. I'm not buying you a new bike. You can sit there all day and rot in the sun, for all I care."

mark wahlberg an astronaut? not very likely

If I had created the series, I would have named it Ape World: Planet of the Super-Evolved Man-Monkeys.

that's a heat-ray blasting behind his shoulders; this mlk story has a sci-fi twist

That's right: a Martin Luther King comic book. Inside, there's the Montgomery Bus Boycott, the March on Washington, and the word "negro" is thrown around just liberally enough that, by the end, it almost stops sounding racist. Almost.

a model of domesticity

"Allen! You have to try this!"

"I don't 'have' to do anything, woman."

"Silly, just try some."

"I don't go around sticking strange shit in my mouth because people tell me to, Jane. What the hell is it?"

"Well, it's supposed to be a surprise, but here's a hint: I used water and had to put it in the oven."

"Seriously? That's your fucking hint? You just literally described any dish ever created."

"That's my hint and I'm sticking to it!"

"I swear to God, it takes all my damn willpower not to beat you stupid."

pay dirt

Marketing at its finest. Have some old, white bastard stand next to your product and slap it on a poster. Voila! $600 million instantly appears in the bank accounts of everyone involved. They really should do this much more. I'm envisioning a blockbuster Bob Dole/Bowflex collaboration.

man, you could fill that thing up with so many condoms

Thank Neptune and his glorious, silken beard for Asian people. If not for them, this site would be mostly pictures of old barns with their roofs caved in and short essays about the waning relevance of Saturday Night Live.

fresh from under an overpass

Stomp: homeless people making crazy noises.

nintendo does it again

Judas wins and goes to Six Flags in one alternate ending.

i like how the gay kid and the black girl are put at the end of the line

Sometimes, after taking a short but incredibly deep afternoon nap, I'll wake up thinking that the 1980's never happened. It's a warm, pleasant feeling that fades all too quickly.

granny ops

Statistically, you're more likely to die at the hands of an angry octogenarian driver than in a plane crash. Trust me: I'm an Internet personality.

product review

"So, I've been using Prolixus recently."

"Oh, yeah. That seems relevant."

"It definitely seems longer. I mean, I used to have trouble pulling it through my zipper at urinals. Now, I'm like a mutant snake."

"I really hope we don't get ambushed while you're talking up Prolixus."

"Thing is, I swear it's getting thinner. Looks like a damn No. 2 pencil when I get out of the shower."

"Remind me to delete you from my 'Friends' listing."

what a glorious beard

Imagine how massive a poop Evil Spock probably makes. Not only is he a Vulcan - he's an evil Vulcan from a parallel universe. His poop probably has its own weather patterns.

the glow indicates that he's using bible magic

Show off.

accident

The guy in front farted to break the tension. Little does everyone know, it was a shart. A dirty, miserable shart.

super mario brothers has ruined my lunch for the last time

One extra life for you (?).

'guin love

Them bitches go mad for some Charles Bronson.

two inches

I love Spider-Man - I really do - but this was a damn mistake. If Superman pushes you into a dick-measuring contest, you let him win. Size doesn't matter: he'll turn your face into cranberry sauce.

that's gonna hurt in the morning; not that it doesn't hurt now

Ah, how far we've come Mr. Statham. There was a time when all you were good for was modeling jeans on world-class catwalks. Now, your dreams have officially come true: you can finally support yourself on nothing more that electrocutions and getting into martial arts fights with low-level gangsters. Bravo.

seriously, i had a dream about making this exact thing

Damn you, little girl! You stole my idea! Curse you, your unborn children and every future Pokemon adventure that you embark upon!

fraggle rock: the movie

If I get my way, this guy will be played by Hugh Jackman.

take the damn microphone away from that fool

"Can you smell what the Barack is cookin'?! Ha! I made that one up all by myself! Suck it, McCain supporters!"

shoryuken

Quarter Circle Forward, then any Punch button. Follow up with Down on the directional pad and press the Select button to teabag your buddy and smother him in your victory/pubes.

questions

I totally understand wanting to ride a unicorn. They're beautiful and super powerful. Riding a unicorn is probably a lot like making babies with Jessica Alba while flying an F-16 over Iraq. What I can't figure out with the image above is how the old lady got her power chair up onto the horse's back. I mean, power chairs weigh like 178,000 lbs.; you'd need, like, three guys and a forklift, at least. And why would she do it, anyway? Is she planning on making a ton of spur of the moment trips between the mane and the tail? Craziness.

i found it on the internet, so it must be both real and utterly compelling

Right: because I'm such a raging moron, I needed you to spell that out for me. The fact that "USAF" and a giant Air Force symbol is plastered on a flying saucer that looks about as natural here as a perm wasn't enough to let my puny collection of brain cells know how unbelievably tweaked this pile of crap picture is.

denim shorts pretty much go with any ensemble

Funny. This could be the front of a pop album or the cover of a gay pornography film. Or, in a couple of western European countries that spring immediately to mind, both.

wait and rent this one

Wes Craven's Fridge. Yes, the plot is about as epic as you'd imagine. Suffice it to say, the refrigerator is full of demons. Hypothermia-related injuries to all manner of townspeople ensues. Eventually, the compressor overheats and the thing just falls over in the woods, where local children begin beating it with sticks. The movie is rated R for strong, racially-themed language; extended scenes of nudity involving food; drug use peppered throughout and violence towards kitchen appliances.

as a general warning

Indicating a high volume planes-bouncing-off-of-the-roofs-of-cars area.

such a waste

Unlikely. When ninjas strike, they kill all of the weak. If you're asking passersby for money to buy "karate lessons" (which, by the way, would be worthless because ninja ninjutsu beats all other forms of martial arts - especially karate), then you clearly should not have survived. Of course, now that you've gone and used ninjas for personal gain, they really are going to kill you and your family. I'd like to believe that at least you lived your life to the fullest, but, then again, you are holding a sign up on a sidewalk, asking for handouts.

speechless

This is why guns were invented.

now do me, now do me!

Ah, money-facing: the age-old practice of holding foreign bills over friend's and family's faces at just the right distance and angle to make them look like poorly-drawn, dead Communists. What better way to spend a rainy Sunday afternoon? Better than forming a circle and jacking off to granny porn, for sure.

too little, too late

Man, I really could have used this when my car went off that bridge.

professor super-nazi, md

Meh, good enough for me. If Oprah can take over the world with a talk show, frumpy clothes and the physique of a pregnant manatee, then anything is theoretically possible.

nightstalker

"Damn. The serum didn't work."

- Barack Obama, waking up in an isolated, Interstate diner after another frightful night of feasting on the bones of children and elderly women against his very will

read the dust jacket, dumbass

Not what I was expecting. Significantly less science fiction than the name implies.

work it, girl

Oh, yeah. You go, Angela, with your fine ass, reading that book like you're so innocent. I know how much freak you've got hiding under that old lady tie. Some lotion, a hand towel and a little bit of Murder She Wrote - you're set for the goddamn night.

jesus christ

Oh, wow. Believe me, I'd love to whip out one of the thousands of cutting remarks that I keep in reserve for situations exactly like this one, but I have a pretty strict policy against verbally assaulting the handicapped. And this lady's got all kinds of fucked up handicaps.

my readers can go screw themselves, for realsies

I've been accused of spiraling further and further into literary chaos with this blog. It seems there are a growing number of people that find my occasional lack of logic/continuity unpleasant. Maybe it reminds them of their terrible childhood or some time spent in prison, where they had to turn a little gay just to survive. I don't know. Either way, never say that I'm not willing to accommodate, because, instead of my usual nonsensical buffoonery, I'll simply leave you with this: a break dance battle at an upscale hotel. Can't get much more normal than that.

mixed signals

While I think that the spirit of this image speaks fairly well for itself, I'll make the message perfectly clear: You've got cancer and that means you're a loser. Winners don't let their cells grow out of control.

Also, lobster is super tasty.

unquestionably monster-like

This Spectacled Bear just ate your perky, young wife and beautiful newborn baby at a church picnic. What are you going to do about it? Yeah. That's right: Nothing. Whatever the hairless bear wants, the hairless bear gets. Standing in her way is a joke; the punchline is you getting swiftly decapitated and your chest torn into soggy confetti.

miscommunication

"Yep. Been clean for months. Healthy body, happy body, right?"

"That's great, Pete. It must be really nice to experience the world sober again, huh?"

"Oh, no. You thought I meant 'clean' of drugs, didn't you? No, no, no. I'm high as a fucking kite. I snorted, like, half a pound of coke just before this. I don't even know how I'm standing up right now. I meant STDs. Once I stopped glory holing on the weekends, that bloody discharge from my eyes cleared right up."

worst rpg enemy ever

Name: Sean
Job Class: Interweb Bard
HP: 26
Attack: 3
Counter-Attack: 9
Magic: 0
Defense: 4
Intelligence: 9
Speed: 2
Luck: 1
Paranoia: 7
Personal Hygiene: 6 (surprisingly)

Game Notes: Seans are highly depressing and aggravating creatures, shouting conspiracy theories and obscenities from the darkest corners of the Interweb. They style themselves avant-garde comedians but, in fact, they're pretty damn lame. If you see one, shoot for the head - their counter-attack, Gratuitous Insult, is just about as bad as it sounds.

destroying preconceptions

"Japan", huh? Interesting. I would've pegged that guy for Hispanic if not for the jersey.

cold-blooded

"Yes, yes. Hug me as if I am the most gentle soul in all of the Sesame Street. Little do you know that your time is short, Menounos. Your skull and entrails will soon adorn the branches of my massive bird nest. Then, all of the Sesame Street will know that I am the greatest hunter who has ever stalked these gravelly paths."

"You know I can hear you, right? You're talking out loud. Also, when you whisper, it tends to come out like a quiet scream."

"Damn you, Menounos. Damn you and your gorgeous smile! I've been foiled again!"

must get hot in there

I think we all have a little bit of this guy inside of us: ready to flick anybody off at a moment's notice, smoking cheap cigarettes like they're going out of style, rocking a super-assholish goatee/bandanna combo. Even Big Bird. The only difference between Big Bird's guy and ours is that Big Bird's guy has found a way to communicate all of his thoughts and feelings precisely and concisely using only the most common twelve words that a porn star exclaims during a scene of climax.