a model of domesticity

"Allen! You have to try this!"

"I don't 'have' to do anything, woman."

"Silly, just try some."

"I don't go around sticking strange shit in my mouth because people tell me to, Jane. What the hell is it?"

"Well, it's supposed to be a surprise, but here's a hint: I used water and had to put it in the oven."

"Seriously? That's your fucking hint? You just literally described any dish ever created."

"That's my hint and I'm sticking to it!"

"I swear to God, it takes all my damn willpower not to beat you stupid."

professor super-nazi, md

Meh, good enough for me. If Oprah can take over the world with a talk show, frumpy clothes and the physique of a pregnant manatee, then anything is theoretically possible.

worst ridley scott homage ever

The phone number for the National Resource Center for Child Protective Services is 505-345-2444. If you see a parent annoying the hell out of their infant with some stupid shit like this, please call. That facehuggered baby deserves better.