christmas is awesome

Well, well, well. Looks like Santa's got himself a stiffy.

No. That was wrong. I take that last comment back: We all have a major stiffy. Santa is simply the least comfortable with rocking it.

i'll be most impressed if he flushes and washes up afterwards

That restroom floor is so fucking dirty. I hope somebody got fired over this picture.

vast cawing-related powers

Sometimes I get really imaginative (read: drunk) and I just plug a random phrase into a Google image search. Today was the day for "crow man", pictured above. The world will never - ever - be the same.

gordon freeman vs. suburban boredom

Half-Life 2 Episode 3: West Virginia.

desperate measures

"Dammit, Franky. I'm not buying you a new bike. You can sit there all day and rot in the sun, for all I care."

mark wahlberg an astronaut? not very likely

If I had created the series, I would have named it Ape World: Planet of the Super-Evolved Man-Monkeys.

that's a heat-ray blasting behind his shoulders; this mlk story has a sci-fi twist

That's right: a Martin Luther King comic book. Inside, there's the Montgomery Bus Boycott, the March on Washington, and the word "negro" is thrown around just liberally enough that, by the end, it almost stops sounding racist. Almost.

a model of domesticity

"Allen! You have to try this!"

"I don't 'have' to do anything, woman."

"Silly, just try some."

"I don't go around sticking strange shit in my mouth because people tell me to, Jane. What the hell is it?"

"Well, it's supposed to be a surprise, but here's a hint: I used water and had to put it in the oven."

"Seriously? That's your fucking hint? You just literally described any dish ever created."

"That's my hint and I'm sticking to it!"

"I swear to God, it takes all my damn willpower not to beat you stupid."

pay dirt

Marketing at its finest. Have some old, white bastard stand next to your product and slap it on a poster. Voila! $600 million instantly appears in the bank accounts of everyone involved. They really should do this much more. I'm envisioning a blockbuster Bob Dole/Bowflex collaboration.

man, you could fill that thing up with so many condoms

Thank Neptune and his glorious, silken beard for Asian people. If not for them, this site would be mostly pictures of old barns with their roofs caved in and short essays about the waning relevance of Saturday Night Live.

fresh from under an overpass

Stomp: homeless people making crazy noises.

nintendo does it again

Judas wins and goes to Six Flags in one alternate ending.

i like how the gay kid and the black girl are put at the end of the line

Sometimes, after taking a short but incredibly deep afternoon nap, I'll wake up thinking that the 1980's never happened. It's a warm, pleasant feeling that fades all too quickly.

granny ops

Statistically, you're more likely to die at the hands of an angry octogenarian driver than in a plane crash. Trust me: I'm an Internet personality.

product review

"So, I've been using Prolixus recently."

"Oh, yeah. That seems relevant."

"It definitely seems longer. I mean, I used to have trouble pulling it through my zipper at urinals. Now, I'm like a mutant snake."

"I really hope we don't get ambushed while you're talking up Prolixus."

"Thing is, I swear it's getting thinner. Looks like a damn No. 2 pencil when I get out of the shower."

"Remind me to delete you from my 'Friends' listing."

what a glorious beard

Imagine how massive a poop Evil Spock probably makes. Not only is he a Vulcan - he's an evil Vulcan from a parallel universe. His poop probably has its own weather patterns.

the glow indicates that he's using bible magic

Show off.

accident

The guy in front farted to break the tension. Little does everyone know, it was a shart. A dirty, miserable shart.

super mario brothers has ruined my lunch for the last time

One extra life for you (?).

'guin love

Them bitches go mad for some Charles Bronson.

two inches

I love Spider-Man - I really do - but this was a damn mistake. If Superman pushes you into a dick-measuring contest, you let him win. Size doesn't matter: he'll turn your face into cranberry sauce.

that's gonna hurt in the morning; not that it doesn't hurt now

Ah, how far we've come Mr. Statham. There was a time when all you were good for was modeling jeans on world-class catwalks. Now, your dreams have officially come true: you can finally support yourself on nothing more that electrocutions and getting into martial arts fights with low-level gangsters. Bravo.

seriously, i had a dream about making this exact thing

Damn you, little girl! You stole my idea! Curse you, your unborn children and every future Pokemon adventure that you embark upon!