christmas is awesome

Well, well, well. Looks like Santa's got himself a stiffy.

No. That was wrong. I take that last comment back: We all have a major stiffy. Santa is simply the least comfortable with rocking it.

i'll be most impressed if he flushes and washes up afterwards

That restroom floor is so fucking dirty. I hope somebody got fired over this picture.

vast cawing-related powers

Sometimes I get really imaginative (read: drunk) and I just plug a random phrase into a Google image search. Today was the day for "crow man", pictured above. The world will never - ever - be the same.

gordon freeman vs. suburban boredom

Half-Life 2 Episode 3: West Virginia.

desperate measures

"Dammit, Franky. I'm not buying you a new bike. You can sit there all day and rot in the sun, for all I care."

mark wahlberg an astronaut? not very likely

If I had created the series, I would have named it Ape World: Planet of the Super-Evolved Man-Monkeys.

that's a heat-ray blasting behind his shoulders; this mlk story has a sci-fi twist

That's right: a Martin Luther King comic book. Inside, there's the Montgomery Bus Boycott, the March on Washington, and the word "negro" is thrown around just liberally enough that, by the end, it almost stops sounding racist. Almost.

a model of domesticity

"Allen! You have to try this!"

"I don't 'have' to do anything, woman."

"Silly, just try some."

"I don't go around sticking strange shit in my mouth because people tell me to, Jane. What the hell is it?"

"Well, it's supposed to be a surprise, but here's a hint: I used water and had to put it in the oven."

"Seriously? That's your fucking hint? You just literally described any dish ever created."

"That's my hint and I'm sticking to it!"

"I swear to God, it takes all my damn willpower not to beat you stupid."

pay dirt

Marketing at its finest. Have some old, white bastard stand next to your product and slap it on a poster. Voila! $600 million instantly appears in the bank accounts of everyone involved. They really should do this much more. I'm envisioning a blockbuster Bob Dole/Bowflex collaboration.

man, you could fill that thing up with so many condoms

Thank Neptune and his glorious, silken beard for Asian people. If not for them, this site would be mostly pictures of old barns with their roofs caved in and short essays about the waning relevance of Saturday Night Live.