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"Oh, my! So very tasty indeed! Tell me, Simon: Where did you procure doja of such a high quality of sweetness? I am getting thoroughly fucked up off of the fumes, my boy."
"A dealer down the block, father. His name is Akbar. He wears much golden jewelry about his neck and fingers and smells much like the Tommy Hilfiger cologne."
"Oh, yes, the Persian. Of course. Those Persians can always be counted on to provide the illest of that super-sticky. God and Queen, bless the brown-skins and their wacky tobaccy!"
Pure awesome. But, what I like even more than Jesus cradling the baby Velociraptor with the crazy eyes, is that kickass Pterodactyl totally soaring around that erupting volcano in the background. So badass. And so logical.
One of these boys keeps a disturbing secret: A ravenous taste for human flesh. Guess which one correctly and you'll be entered for a chance to win a Cuisinart CBT-700 PowerEdge Blender!
For me, the stink lines really drive the point home. But that's not saying much. I've always been a sucker for a good stink line illustration.
So, uh, yeah. Black Jesus. Similar to Regular Jewish Jesus except... Well, you know. The tan. Plus, he's probably got some prison tats and a kickass Jamaican accent to go with those dreads.
This guy got fired for having tiny, girl feet. Corporate America doesn't respect blacks, women, gays or men who shop for their shoes at the Build-A-Bear Workshop. It ain't fair, but nobody ever said life had to be. It also didn't help that he embezzled $2.6 million and had rough sex with a non-consenting parrot.
Don't make me take a seat while barefoot on a random stump on the lunar surface next to an old wire hanger and a pair of sunglasses, unscrewing my head from my neck so that a crazy/awesome rainbow of bloody goodness can explode out all over the stars! So help me God, I'll do it!
This is representative of why Incubus rocks so hard. Some people would have started a fan website or followed the band's concert route around the country in a beat up hippie van. Those people are the antithesis of hardcore. I chose an indecipherable spreadsheet. Spreadsheets are six parts hardcore and three parts badass.
I appreciate the need for hot female ninjas. I really do. They fill the obvious gap between porn and over the top action - mainstays of the male community. In that way, hot female ninjas are a lot like glue. Gooey, sexy, horse glue. But this hot female ninja? She's lost her way. Notice the high heels, the wrist watch and the katana strapped sloppily to her sexy waist via a bright yellow spandex belt. Come on, lady: Being awesomely hot and fashionable should never usurp your need for stealth. Your Ninja Card has been officially revoked.
The face of a Republican America. He also just farted.
The sign is pretty straightforward, folks: Moose like to sniff trashed vehicles. If your car has been recently fucked up and left in the wilderness, now you know what to expect.
Clifford strikes again.
Indian girls: Blinging it up and ballin' out of control.
Ah, the unrivaled splendor of Italian basketball.
OMFG, chocolate is the best!
You can tell this guy is a total master of badassery because he's so comfortable looking like a homo.
I appreciate that before the bear decided to maul this person's foot, it kindly removed their Croc. Also of interest is that the owner's name seems to have been scrawled on the top of the shoe. It's possible that the sock and toes weren't the bear's primary target - it was simply attacking before making a getaway with the footwear. The former Croc owner was just trying to mark his property in anticipation of the crime.
If you knew you were playing prep school basketball with the future president of the United States, what would you do? Personally, I'd gather two of my most trusted friends when the crowd had gone home after a hot, sweaty home game and we'd murder him behind the bleachers with sacrificial daggers. Dragging his body into the woods, we'd make an enormous bonfire and eat his heart while chanting prayers to the Greek god of power, Cratus. That way, I could consume Barry Obama's spirit and become president. My friends would become the vice president and postmaster general. The kid who becomes postmaster general clearly recited the prayer wrong. Cratus isn't the forgiving type.
This unicorn is a total badass. An absolute master of his destiny. This fight right here? He most likely started it, despite all of the opposition. This unicorn has confidence in spades (and is probably rocking a giant wang to back it up). Just look at the way he totally speared that dog with his horn. Classic. And look at all these fairies trying to stop his rampage with their puny weapons. He's going to slaughter nearly everyone and eat their brains with Melba toast. Thankfully, this mighty equine beast allowed someone to live and paint the tale. Now humanity knows not to fuck with magical horses.
This is definitely going to turn out well for everyone involved.
This guy's wife just left him. For his brother, no less. But, you know, she was always kind of a skank. Didn't know how to keep her damn legs closed. And it really is a shame: They had, like, three kids together. Those little bastards are going to need a boatload of therapy in about ten years.
Oh, and a fire tornado just ripped this random house apart. That happened, too.
These people have the right idea. I've heard of too many cockroaches and too many tumors. Those are common concerns. Too many satellite dishes, though? Never.
They all told him he shouldn't do it. It would be so long, so scraggly - how could he possibly take care of it by himself? What would his mother say if she were still alive? What about Reverend Mike and the congregation? They said that if he went through with it, Jesus might not even forgive him. But Joey Bob didn't listen to any of it. He's always been his own man, able to stand by his decisions.
Despite the town, Joey Bob bought the brightest red truck he could find. Which actually wasn't all that bright.
That fish isn't dead. In fact, getting yanked from the water and manhandled has made it twelve times stronger. And angrier. It actually got so mad that it passed out. It won't sleep forever, though. These poor bastards have no idea what they've gotten themselves into.
